By Pei Aui - Melbourne Newborn, Maternity, Family and Couples Photographer.
There's a moment that happens to almost every engaged couple. Somewhere between the proposal excitement and the first venue tour, someone asks "so how big are you thinking?" and suddenly you're supposed to have an answer.
Here's the truth. There isn't a right answer. There's just the answer that's right for you two.
I've been behind the camera for proposals, quiet elopements and weddings that ranged from a backyard ceremony to a full reception with a band that played until midnight. What's stood out every time is that the couples who felt most like themselves weren't following a size or a script. They'd chosen what actually matched who they are, not who they thought they were supposed to be for one afternoon.
If you're in that in-between stage where every option sounds good and also slightly terrifying, let's actually think it through.
The Big Wedding
A big wedding gives you one thing nothing else can: everyone you love in one room at the same time. Your nan dancing with your uncle. Your two friend groups from different parts of your life finally meeting. That's not nothing. For a lot of Melbourne couples, especially those from big multicultural families where a wedding is as much about honouring parents and extended family as it is about the couple, this matters more than any trend or Pinterest board ever could.
And a big wedding doesn't have to mean chaos. Done well, it's actually the opposite. It's a full day that's been thought through from start to finish, and that's part of what makes it feel like such a proper celebration. Hair and makeup usually kick things off early in the morning, sometimes with your closest people around you while it happens. Then there's the ceremony, family portraits, a reception that might run for hours, a DJ or live band, speeches, a first dance, and often an after party that keeps going well past midnight. Some couples add a second outfit for the reception, a cultural ceremony earlier in the day, or a sendoff that's its own little event. It's a lot, but a lot in the best way, and when it's planned properly it tends to feel less like a marathon and more like the best party you've ever been to.
The trade-off is obvious. More planning, more decisions, more money, and less quiet time with each other on the actual day. If you love the idea of being surrounded by everyone you love, dancing, noise and all, that trade-off is usually worth it without a second thought.
The Small Wedding
A smaller wedding, say under fifty guests, tends to feel less like an event and more like a really good day with your favourite people. You get actual conversations instead of a two minute hello at each table. You get to notice things, the way the light hits during your vows, the way your partner's hands are shaking a little. Big weddings can swallow those moments. Small ones let you keep them.
Smaller also tends to mean more personal, in ways that are easy to overlook until you're in it. When there are fewer people to plan for, everything can get more care instead of less. The venue styling can be exactly what you pictured instead of a version that had to scale. The favours can actually mean something instead of being a box ticked. The food can be chosen properly, course by course, instead of catered for volume. And every single person in the room is there because they matter to you, not because leaving them off the list would have caused a family incident. There's something in that. Looking around and knowing every face there is someone you'd actually choose.
This is often where couples land who want meaning over spectacle. It doesn't mean less love went into planning it. It usually means more.
The No Wedding, or a Quiet Elopement
More couples than you'd think are choosing to skip the traditional wedding altogether, or landing somewhere in between. Some elope somewhere beautiful, just the two of them and maybe a celebrant. Some do a courthouse moment followed by a big party months later that isn't technically a wedding at all, just a celebration. Some simply don't want the version of a wedding day that's built around everyone else's expectations. This bit deserves its own honest look, because it usually gets the least airtime.
Maybe you don't want a wedding at all
This one is worth saying out loud, because there's genuinely nothing wrong with it. Not everyone dreams of a wedding, and that has no bearing on how much you love the person you're with. You can be completely certain about your partner and still have zero interest in months of planning, table arrangements or seating charts that somehow become a diplomatic negotiation.
Maybe you'd rather put that money towards a house, travel, your family, or just life together. Maybe the plan is to quietly sign the papers and go out for dinner after. That's a perfectly valid way to celebrate this. Marriage and a wedding are two different things. One is a commitment between two people. The other is a celebration, and a celebration can look however you actually want it to look, not however it's expected to look.
What about an elopement?
Then there's the middle ground, and it's a genuinely lovely one. Eloping doesn't have to mean sneaking off and telling everyone after the fact. A lot of modern elopements are completely intentional. You pick a beautiful spot somewhere around Melbourne, bring a small handful of people you actually want there, say your vows somewhere that means something to you, and spend the rest of the day doing things that feel like you. Photos around the city, a wander through a neighbourhood you love, coffee somewhere good, dinner somewhere better. Or just the two of you, no agenda at all.
Your wedding day doesn't have to be a production. It can just be a really good day with the person you love.
There's still this idea floating around that skipping the big wedding means you're doing it wrong, or that you're missing out. I don't buy it. A quiet ceremony with two people who are completely present with each other can hold just as much weight as three hundred guests watching. Sometimes more.
So How Do You Actually Decide?
A few honest questions tend to cut through the noise faster than any wedding blog checklist:
Do you feel energised or drained imagining a room full of people watching you? That's a real signal, not a small detail.
What do you actually remember from other people's weddings? The dance floor, or the quiet ten minutes they snuck away with their partner? People usually remember one or the other more.
If money and family expectations weren't part of the equation at all, what would you choose? Sit with that answer for a minute before you talk yourself out of it.
Think about how you actually want to feel
This is probably the most useful question in the whole decision, and it's the one that gets skipped the most. Forget the Pinterest board for a second. Forget what your friends did, and forget what your parents or your Instagram following might be expecting. Just ask yourself how you actually want to feel on the day. Surrounded by absolutely everyone you love, or wrapped up in something quiet and intimate. Dressed up at a proper party, or exploring somewhere beautiful together with no schedule at all. Completely private, or the exact opposite. There's no wrong answer here, and it's fine if your answer shifts once you actually start planning. The feeling is the point. Everything else is just logistics working backwards from it.
Consider what matters to both of you
This one's worth talking through with your partner before either of you gets pulled into venues and guest lists. You might find out you're picturing two completely different days, one of you dreaming of a huge celebration, the other imagining ten people and a quiet ceremony. Before you jump straight to compromise, try talking about the why behind each preference instead. The person who wants the big wedding might really be saying "I want everyone I love in one room." The person who wants something small might really be saying "I want to actually enjoy the day with you, not perform it for a crowd." Once you get to the feeling underneath the preference, the actual decision tends to get a lot easier.
And here's the one nobody says out loud enough. You're allowed to want a big celebration and still want a small, intimate ceremony first. Plenty of couples are doing both, a private moment just for them, followed by the big family celebration later. It's not indecisive. It's actually having your whole story, on your terms.
And Then There Are the Photographs
Whatever kind of celebration you choose, photographs can become an important part of holding onto it. Not because every single moment needs documenting, but because the details are the first thing memory lets go of. What the room actually sounded like. The exact look on someone's face for that one second. The feeling of it, not just the facts of it. You'll remember that you got married. You won't automatically remember what it felt like standing there, unless something brings you back to it. The way your partner looked at you before the ceremony. Your mum fixing your dress. Your best friend trying not to cry. The nervous laughter. The hands you were holding. The people who travelled to Melbourne just to be there. The quiet ten minutes you spent together after everything was over.
Years from now, those are the photographs that bring you straight back to how the day actually felt. And this is exactly why couples photography isn't only for traditional weddings. An engagement session, a proposal, an elopement, an anniversary, a registry wedding or just a really good ordinary afternoon together can all be reason enough to have your story photographed.
As a Melbourne photographer, I genuinely love that couples are choosing to celebrate their relationships in so many different ways now. Life doesn't follow one perfect template, and your photographs shouldn't have to either. Your story deserves to be photographed exactly as it is, whatever shape you've chosen for it. Because one day you might look back and realise those ordinary moments were some of the most extraordinary ones you had.
If you're still figuring out what your day is going to look like, you don't need to have it sorted before we talk. I'm always happy to have a chat about what you're picturing, big, small, quiet or somewhere in between, and how the photography side of it could work for you. No pressure, just a conversation. You can reach out anytime.